Before I start writing… I would like to ask. Is it possible to fall in love with an idea? Or to fall in love with someone you don’t know at all? Or instead… to have a crush when you were a kid and having that feeling grow over the years without you realizing it at all?
This year was truly a ride for me. It’s funny how so many things can happen but yet nothing changed. It’s like playing Snake and Ladder where you keep rolling and rolling to reach the top but you suddenly hit a snake and move all the way back to the start. That’s how this year had been to me. I’m ending the year alone and filled with insecurities and depression.
Back when I was in high school, a friend of mine told me that everyone WILL meet that one person who will change their life forever. The meeting might be brief and that person might be a stranger, but the impact will eminent and life changing. We will fall in love with that person and no matter what happens, be it good or bad, we will continue to love that person. And as time passes, we might find ourselves with another partner and perhaps settled down but we will never forget that one person and continue loving that person. At that time, I thought my friend was spewing nonsense. That was until year 2011 came for me….
This year started out fine for me. Scratch that. It started out absolutely perfect. Classes were ok. Money was ok. But more importantly, I met someone whom I’ve been wanting to meet for a very very VERY long time. Someone whom I have never thought of meeting. Someone whom I’ve stalked and liked when I was in primary school.
An ordinary day for me would be waking up at 8am-9am and the first thing I would do is search for my phone under the pillow. Without fail, there would always be a text message wishing me good morning which I will be very excited to read. Instantly, that message would make my day. From there, the conversation would carry on for the whole day until night. When it was time to sleep, I would never get a good night wish but I was ok with it. I learned the reason why only much later on. The person would fall asleep at around 11.30pm but I would only sleep at around 2am. The truth is, there is so many things bothering me and it is quite difficult for me to sleep. Before I sleep, I would ALWAYS text that person and I know she won’t read it until morning comes but I don’t care. Somehow, just texting her makes me feel happy. I would send a few really lame text messages hoping that it would make her smile when she reads it. She was one of the only girl whom I would actually LEAVE my computer game just to reply her text message. Yeah… that was how much I fell for her.
Back then, I was a totally different person. I was actually really really happy. My parents and friends noticed it. I was always smiling, and talking, and sometimes screaming, and it felt like I had a purpose. My problems were not gone but during that time, my problems were not felt either. I had someone to think about and that thought somehow just makes everything lighter for me. I don’t know if any of you know the feeling but for those who know, you will surely agree that the feeling is invaluable. This year was the first time I drove to Sunway Pyramid, or Mid Valley,or Ikea, or Genting Highlands. Surprising enough, all of this was with that person. Through her, I met new friends but sadly I couldn’t introduced mine to her. I also remember being a really slow driver during the beginning of the year. On my first outing with her, I was driving so slow that she actually said “You can drive faster you know….”. Yeah I got kinda embarrassed. That was also the day I got a really bad fever as well.
The truth about me is, I have a TERRIBLE memory. But somehow, I will always remember things which are meaningful. When it comes to her, I remember almost everything like it was just a couple of hours ago. I remember our first outing, or ALL of our outings, or ALL our conversation, our first ice cream, the movie we watched, the clothes we were wearing, what we said to each other or where we ate, what time it was and literally everything else. I treasured everything and I tried not to take anything for granted. I hopelessly fell in love with someone amazing. I loved how my life was going back then but I never expected it to end so quickly….
Despite of all the good things that happened at the beginning of the year, this year turned out to be the worst year of my life. Somewhere in the middle of the year, things between me and her didn’t turn out so well and everything changed so suddenly for me. The timing for everything was all wrong. It was too near my exam period that I actually screwed up my exam papers. For the first time in my entire life, I actually got C for all 4 papers. To make things worse, industrial training started and…. I just don’t know what to comment about that.
I’ve cried 5 times this year. The first time was when Uncle Willie died. His death was so unexpected but I remember she was there for me. My second time was on the balcony of my condominium when everything started going wrong for me. The third was on my bed in the middle of the night where I just broke down thinking about stuffs. The fourth was when I was working during industrial training. And the last was a couple of days back I think. The thing about me is I suck at letting go. When things didn’t work out, I should have just let go and move on. But moving on is not one of my strong point. I hold on to the past so much that it hurts a lot. For half a year I’ve been trying to hold on to her, trying to make things to be how it was. I’ve been waiting and hoping and wishing and praying for a miracle which will never happen. I’ve done some pretty crazy stuff in hopes that she would notice me but what I didn’t realize is the things I were doing was actually making things worse.
I’ve tried many things to move on. I’ve tried getting addicted myself to online game again like how I did back in Form 4. I’ve been playing Dragon Nest for quite a while. I tried going out and occupying myself. Recently, I’ve started playing Magic the Gathering again. It’s a trading card game and just this month alone I’ve spent Rm600 on making my deck. I travel to Subang almost daily to play it now. It helps for a while but every time I am alone, the memories starts flooding in back. I’ve also got this bad habit of driving really REALLY fast. Since May, I’ve always drove at 150km/h on highways HOPING that I would get into an accident. Yes I’m not kidding. Getting into a freak accident would be very convenient for me. My parents would be able to claim insurance and would be pretty rich. Things get really had sometimes that I just feel like giving up. Sometimes I just feel like driving the car into the wall. This year, I’ve literally cut myself on my finger. Blood was pouring down and the scar is permanent. The pain…. was just unspeakable…..
Many people asked me, why exactly am I holding on? I reply them I don’t know but the truth is, I’ve been holding on because my heart keeps telling me to hold on. I just feel that I crossed path with this girl for a reason and I don’t want to miss out on knowing her. I agree that things had gone pretty bad on my side but no matter how ugly it gets, it should not be a reason for me to give up. One day, when you’ve found someone who meant something to you, you’ll understand. I’ve always lived my life like tomorrow is my last day to live. That’s why every time I get into a fight, I will say sorry because I don’t want to regret if anything happens. That’s why every time I feel we are getting distant, I try to do something about it. I didn’t want to lose her. This was a girl I would literally sacrifice anything to make things right with her.
A few minor stuffs in year 2011 is I got my first “saman” this year. Damn police. I also got a new Gen2 car but then sold it of and got a Myvi instead. Besides that, I drove to Melaka for the first time and I also bought the most expensive birthday present I have ever bought.
In this post, I would like to address 2 people….
First : Hey sleepyhead. It’s been a while since I talked to you. I wanted to wish you Merry Christmas but I didn’t know how to contact you. You didn’t wish me for my birthday so I guess you are pretty serious about keeping your distant from me. Before this year ends, I just want to say sorry. I know I’ve done some pretty crazy stuff over the years and annoyed you in many ways. I just hope that someday you will understand why I did all those things. After all this time, I’m still not used to the fact that I’ve lost you or that we aren’t haven’t talked for the longest time. One moment I’m fine but when I’m in the car alone, or when I’m lying down on the bed, or when a song starts to play, or when I drive pass the hospital or your college, I think of you. Almost everything reminds me of you… especially the rain… I’ll never forget the songs you introduced to me. You introduced Jar of Hearts by Christina Peri to me, and E.T. by Katy Perry, and Superbass, and a lot more. I would never forget the movies we watched. Burlesque, Beastly, Rango, Hop, HAPPY Porter. No matter how many times I said I hate you, it was never true. How can you hate someone whom you have always wished to get close with? It is the things you do which I dislike and I think the feeling is mutual. You dislike many things I do too. I seem to have made a lot of enemies from your side but I don’t mind. I was really ready to go against the world for you. I just wished you felt the same too. I realize I tend to go crazy every time I randomly meet you. Like how I saw you on the highway and I stick my head out of the car under the rain just to see you. I’m sorry for all that. It’s the kind of reaction you get when you see someone really important and I know it annoys you. I’ve seen you a couple of times on the road or in malls but I try not to say anything about it. This time last year, we still didn’t know of each other much. Only a couple of weeks later, we started becoming close. It scares me to start year 2012 without you. I wish it would be like the beginning of this year. I wish I could start everything over again from the beginning. My heart just wants to be close with you in so many ways but it doesn’t know how and it knows it doesn’t have that chance anymore. I don’t know when can I let go the idea of loving you but I know you want me to move on. If it is what you want, I would try my best. I have never thought that after all this time we did not talk, I would miss you more and more. Weird right? Every time the phone rings, I wish it was you texting me like how it would be. But the truth hurts. Some times I wish I could go back in time and change something. ANYTHING. Perhaps if I have done things differently, things would have been better now. I heard that you are happy now and I’m happy to hear that. My heart will always have a place for you. “Merry Christmas and au revoir.” That was your first Facebook message to me last year. Well I just want to wish you Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. In a parallel world somewhere….. perhaps I would have gotten my wish….. :)
Second : It’s for you chindian…. what exactly happened to us? To be honest, I miss how we used to talk….. where you would always complain that guys suck and I would say girls are no different either. We would talk about our animes and you would always want to go out but you will never say it directly, so I would force you to go out with me. I’m sorry I disrespect you privacy. I wasn’t thinking and i’m really really sorry. I really hope one day you can put this behind us and accept my apology. But if you think this is final, then I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better friend. Please find it in your heart to forgive me. Thank you for all the times you were forced to listen to my nonsense. I really appreciate it. I really hope everything is fine at your side. I hope you have a great new year.
I know that my problems doesn’t magically go away when year 2012 comes but I’m trying. The days of playing-in-the-rain or facebook-poking or sending-lame-text-messages-before-you-sleep or hopelessly-falling-in-love might be over…… but here come the days of Magic-the-Gathering and Dragon-Nest and Fate-Zero. I have only 2 regrets this year. The first is that I couldn’t do better for my exam paper. The second is that I couldn’t have celebrated Christmas or my birthday or New Year how I have always wanted to celebrate it….. with that one person. Year 2012 will be better right?